Month: August 2023

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Let’s Hold Hands When We’re Old

I was leaving Panera one day, hotfooting it back to work with soup in hand, when I witnessed the sweetest thing.

After holding the door for his wife, a man reached over to take her hand. Very slowly, this ancient couple meandered down the sidewalk. Talking and walking as if they had all the time in the world and no one they’d rather spend it with.

Catching myself gawking, I gathered my delighted smile and sauntered to my car.

Making a note to myself to invite my husband to hold hands when we’re old got me to thinking. Perhaps we should start practicing in earnest now, strolling about with no particular place to go, as if our future wellbeing depended on it. Because it does.

Come to think of it, I wondered why I wasn’t holding hands with more people.

I reflected on when and why I stop reaching for the hands of my parents, daughter, and friends. It’s such a sweet practice that society relegates to romantic relationships, parents with young kids, or support for the elderly. While I won’t reach for my big kid’s hand these days, I could tuck my arm in hers. Enjoying the closeness and attending to our conversation more closely.

Here’s the thing about social interaction and touch. It’s essential if you want to live long and prosper.

Just ask the centenarians who live on the Italian island of Sardinia.

Not only do they report having the highest percentage of people who live to 100 or beyond, but more couples make it to the finish line together in Sardinia than elsewhere in the world.

I hear they are paying people to come live in that mountainous island. Imagine that. Paying you to get daily exercise, eat a big lunch of fresh food, followed by a nap. Family in Sardinia is the priority and they’ve nailed the work – life balance. No long work hours or using achievement as a benchmark of worth for those longevity magnets. A few days a week, they don’t even head back to work after that nap. Leaving more time to chat with their neighbors.

Researchers have studied influences on longevity, such as genetic markers, diet, health practices, social connection, and environment.

You might enjoy watching the series Chasing Life on CNN with Sanjay Gupta, MD. In the episode on Sardinia, I was heartened by those spry brothers who met at the coffee shop and the number of ancient couples still hanging out together. Those folks walked everywhere up and down hills, waving to the neighbors sitting in the windows and popping in to shop for an item or have a chat.

Seems that all this socializing is good for you.

Research has revealed that having a 1 – 3 intimate relationships is good for your health. It’s also beneficial to have in 3 – 5 mini contacts with other humans every single day. These casual encounters might include waving to the post man, talking to the neighbor, petting their dog, visiting colleagues at the water cooler, or screen time with your cousins in California. Scrolling social media or hitting the like button doesn’t count, and actually may hurt when it’s excessive, incites envy, or replaces good old face to face contact.

Cultivating intimate relationships and taking a moment to chat with the check out clerk may increase happiness, longevity, good health, and a sense of meaning.

It’s a good idea to eat well, exercise regularly, take naps when you’re pooped, and balance work and play. It might even be a good idea to learn Italian and go live a pleasurable, slow, and long life in Sardinia. If that’s too big of a leap, start walking around your town or neighborhood.

That lovely couple reminded me that human touch adds a bonus to social engagement.

Like sprinkles on your cupcake, touch may be easily added to your focus on social connection, health behavior, mindset, and life style.

You know that touch is a strong component of healthy development in humans, animals, and marine mammals. Yet, appropriate and gentle touching of one another seems to drop off as you age. Not for those lucky enough to have cuddly partners, kids and grandkids, puppies and kittens. All that hugging and holding keeps those feel good chemicals flowing and encourages social connection in a meaningful way.

If you’re living alone, and perhaps working remotely, you can consciously and creatively examine how you may cultivate more intimate friendships and casual social interactions.

It’s really important to consider what’s most comfortable for you regarding the power of appropriate touch. Not everybody enjoys the touchy feely approach. That’s cool. Your best way of connecting considers what makes sense for you. Remember to regularly give your hands or feet a good massage, cuddle with your pet, and connect with others in a way that feels safe to you and them.

If you want to hold hands when you’re old, now is a good time to start practicing your particular way of leaning in and strengthening your social connections.

I’m off to perform my own experiment with lots of hand holding, arm linking, hugging, and leaning in shoulder to shoulder with friends and family. I’ll toss in some good eye contact, deep listening, and expressed enthusiasm for being together. This approach might seem a bit much with random strangers, so I’ll just add in a few more handshakes and smiles as I seek my 3 – 5 social interactions per day.

And I fully I expect that one day, perhaps when we’re a hundred and two, that some young thing outside Panera will be gawking at me holding hands with my fella.

Peace be with you and with all.  No exceptions. 

HeartWarming

 News

Your mindset about aging is really important. Researchers invited elderly folks to a lecture where they shared a few facts about aging. It wasn’t a scary tale or a fairy tale type of presentation. Just some well known facts about what happens to the body and mind when you head into your senior years. They measured the gait, stride, and speed of these lovely people as they entered and exited the lecture. You guessed it. People walked more slowly and cautiously as they exited the room. Yikes! I imagine we’re adding a decade just listening to all those commercials hawking pharmaceuticals and predicting demise from illness. It’s a wonder we make it off the couch and up the stairs each evening. I wonder what those Sardinian brothers would say about that nonsense?

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Baggage Overload

“I’m packed!”

Amazed that I had gathered everything for my upcoming journey to Peru, and fit it all in my suitcase a full day before my flight. Usually, I’m finishing up at in the wee hours of the morning, so this was cause for celebration. There was one thing left to do.

I called my husband to lift my suitcase and guesstimate the weight.

It’s an old ritual, this guessing game that often leaves a fizzle of anxiety in my belly. Every trip we mean to find that luggage scale that’s hidden in the house somewhere. An idea quickly forgotten in the enjoyment of whatever journey embarked upon. Only to be remembered the evening before, or often in my case, the morning of that next flight with the looming specter of a weight limit for my bag.

Right on cue, after hefting my luggage in the air, he exclaims, “This has gotta be close if not over 50 pounds.”

I’m not sure why I set myself up for this. I’m a great packer and can fit everything into any suitcase. It’s just that I like to have a variety of clothes so I can choose to be comfortable in any kind of weather or activity.

This time, however, I also had a list a mile long of recommended items to ensure a safe journey.

During this 12 day trip, I’d stay in 5 hotels, take multiples planes, buses, and taxis. I’d hike mountains, tour cities, chant in open courtyards, do early morning yoga, and attend (stinky) fire ceremonies. I’d also be far from medical care and needed to be prepared for weather changes, altitude sickness, biting bugs, blisters, strong sun rays, and dehydration.

No wonder I packed a lot of shit. I was intent on being prepared for anything.

That’s not to mention that I was carrying a bunch of rocks in my backpack. No, I wasn’t rucking. That’s a new fad that I have no interest in exploring. Yet, here I was heading off to climb to 12,500 feet with a backpack of rocks, raincoat, fleece, water, snacks, suntan lotion, and bug spray. I don’t mean to make light of those rocks as they are a gift to me and those I serve.

As a medicine woman in the Andean tradition, I carry my mesa with me.

A mesa, or altar, is used in healing and ceremony. Filled with medicine stones that have been transformed through my initiations and used in healing sessions, shamanic journeys, and ceremony. I climbed each mountain to enter a sacred site and engage in ceremony. Activating my mesa and my own body to higher frequencies so that I might better serve humanity and Pachamama, this great planet we inhabit. While heavy, I was grateful to have my mesa as traveling companion and wise guide.

Arriving at Philly’s airport, mostly at peace with my packing choices, I was dropped at the curb to embark upon this journey of my soul.

Truth be told, I had some trouble hefting my bag on that scale. I closed my eyes in a little prayer to the angels of the airport. “Did you plan this?” Startled I opened my eyes to a serious agent pointing to the number on the scale with a long red manicured nail.

50.0

Holy weightless wonder! I nailed it! After taking a photo to send my husband, I felt a little heaviness lift from my heart (and belly). I hadn’t realized I was carrying that bit of anxiety. A flash of a memory from my honeymoon to Italy reminded me of our two suitcases splayed open in front of a long line of annoyed travelers as I transferred shoes from that over the limit bag to the almost at the limit bag.

Oh.

Seems I have a history of carrying too much baggage, seen and unseen. All of it dancing with my stress chemicals.


“Time to let that habit go,” I thought, as I hefted that heavy backpack onto a body that was already resisting the weight.

Before I even arrived in Peru, hints of what I was to learn, release, and transform on this epic journey were arising. Alright then, game on.

Apparently I had some bigger lessons to learn about carrying too much baggage.

I received a disruptive lesson in the Miami airport. A giant awareness in Lima. And a rough start in Cusco. By the time I landed in the Sacred Valley, surrounded by the majesty of the Andean mountains, my lessons became more palatable. I still carried too much every day within my psyche, body, energy field, and backpack. I became adept at recognizing this collection of things I no longer needed to carry, curated by a lifetime of conditioning. And how many of them weren’t even mine to begin with.

I shed that weight with the help of ceremony, medicine teachings and teachers, the natural world, my archetypal companions, and lovely new friends.

I’m traveling more lightly now by intent and with Life’s help as it continues to remove much of what I felt was necessary. I learned that those medicine stones are worth their weight in gold and I’m happy to carry them anywhere. And that journeying throughout time to clear old baggage is a worthwhile endeavor.

Mostly, I discovered, that it is a privilege to live here and now. Knowing I’ve got everything I need within.

I could search for that luggage scale in advance of my next trip. But I won’t. Why mess with the majesty of the mystery and those future lessons just waiting to shake me awake?

Peace be with you and with all.  No exceptions. 

HeartWarming

 News

If you’re carrying a lot of stress, you’re not alone. Robert Epstein, stress researcher, found that the average person’s ability to manage stress is remarkably low. Living in a world of stressed out adults takes its toll on you as it’s hard not to get triggered by someone’s stressed out behavior unless you’re cool as a cucumber. More importantly, it’s been found that a parent’s ability to manage their own stress is the second most powerful predictor of the wellbeing of their children. Yikes. Lots of ways to let that stress go and plenty of motivation. Instead of being a stress magnet, be a conduit of calm. Yup, that’s a thing. I have declared it so.

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Everything I Own Is Temporary

Everything I own is temporary
Brilliant ideas, coveted objects
Valued relationships, my very personhood
Nothing protected from an unseen hand
Wiping clean my slate
Upending familiar ground upon which I tread
Tinkering with a fragile sense of self
While I sleep
Walk
Through days chock full of importance

Despite every grand effort to trick
That which I want and need
So very much
to remain true, steadfastly loyal
Cemented into certainty
Everything flickers and grows feeble
Snuffed out like a flame
Abruptly squeezed by meaty fingers
Or barely noticed, fading like dusk
Soundlessly swallowed whole by night

In stillness I stand
On solid ground amidst shifting sands
Sheltered beneath a canopy so green
Glistening with cascading rain
Softly nourishing gardens and lawns
Quiet companion on a leash
Three smiling men riding a single lawn mower
An amusement park of movement and stillness
Revealing the script behind the play
Written in vanishing ink

Nothing matters  And everything is worth engaging in

Life in every form is meant to be lived
Not there
Far in the future dressed in a different garment
Bright, beautiful and pleasing to the i
But here
Looking as it is right now
Not well put together
Yet perfectly arranged

Shifting awareness emboldened
By a dog unburdened by a broken foot
Gracefully releasing the chase of
Every wiry squirrel 
Content to sniff the winds of change
Black and white fur dancing
With pink petals, water and breeze
Untroubled by the sun’s game of hiding
Vigilantly at rest, no need to seek
Eyes meet in silent acquiescence

Hands splayed open
Grasping not one thing
I treasure that which cleans my slate
And welcome the dusk that robs my light
I pray then and there to the witness within
Let this softening of my body
Sing a gentle lullaby to my mind’s desire
To know, to strive, to do, to become
So I may instead honor this temporary breeze
And perfection of these trees

Peace be with you and with all.  No exceptions. 

HeartWarming

 News

Creativity is inherent to human development and essential to discovery of the wonder of the world. Anyone who has every witnessed an infant discover her toes or attended a high school art show has done their research. The question for you is not whether you are creative, rather how are you expressing your creativity. By choosing different ways to express yourself and your view of the world,  you enhance new neural learning, hone observational skill, and let a wee bit of your genius flow out to the world. The more you create, the more you translate the world according to you for the rest of us to enjoy. Forget about being good at anything. Create as an experiment, for the sheer joy of it, or to enhance wellbeing. 

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SisterHood is Heading Back to School


As a kid, I had mixed feelings about heading back to school. 

I loved the freedom of summer days running around the neighborhood, sleeping under the stars, and vacationing at the beach or mountains. I didn’t need any research to convince me of the power of free time to play with friends, enjoy family, and explore the natural world. Those days of warmth, extended light, and freedom from structure restored the body, brain, and spirit.

Kids glow during the summer and not just from a touch of sun.

Too bad we mature, civilized adults didn’t build in an equivalent of an extended seasonal vacation into our work life. In the US, unless you have the financial means and permission from work to take frequent vacations or staycations, you’re grinding through 50 weeks a year at work. This definitely dampens the health and wellbeing of every body, mind, and spirit. But, I digress.

I wasn’t so keen on summer ending even if there were some perks about returning to school. 

Aside from seeing friends and enjoying school, I was always enticed by back to school shopping. I loved the trip to the stationary store with my mom and returning home to organize my notebooks, pencils, and backpack. I realize now that my delight wasn’t just about the “stuff” I carried, rather it was more about what it represented. 

A brand new notebook offered me the promise of building upon old knowledge to reveal doorways into something greater. 

I still love my school supplies and I’m still pursuing my “higher education.” If I could transport my shelves of colorful binders and notebooks along with my computer to a tropical island, I’d have enough course material to keep me busy for 6 months. As I create and consume, I welcome the pleasure of organizing all of this wisdom in colorful binders and matching notebooks. 

I’m not taking these gifts of school supplies, love of learning, and positive experiences in education lightly. 

As a school psychologist and therapist who worked decades in the nonprofit world, I’m well aware that not every child has access to the financial, family, or school support that foster growth. That’s why I’ve been running back to school supply drives for the past 30 years.

Donating school supplies may seem like a token action, allowing the giver to feel good, but making a questionable difference to the tremendous learning difficulties, poverty, or family challenges some kids face.

I know better. I’ve learned of the value of a new notebook or backpack from kids and teens who feel shame, worry, and discomfort when they don’t measure up to their peers. And, unfortunately, when they’ve been shamed by teachers for not being “prepared” with the required supplies.

School supplies matter to these kids. And they bring relief to overstressed parents.

All school supplies donated to Sisterhood serve impoverished families in Burlington City, NJ.

By now you know the drill. Drop off your school supplies at Soul Sanctuary. If it’s easier to let me do the shopping, I’m happy to do that.

Venmo me at Kathleen-Milano-2 or send via Pay Pal @kathymilanophd. Please indicate it is for Sisterhood. Be assured that every cent goes to them. 

Drop off at Soul Sanctuary or donate by August 23rd please.

You can drop off in the lobby or outside if door is locked (I’ll grab it) on Mondays, Wednesdays, or Fridays 9 – 5pm. I’ll deliver everything on the 24th so the kids and teens can pick out what they need. 

You choose whatever you want to give. Donations will fill in the rest.

It’s great to have backpacks (5 Below), 3 subject notebooks, binders, and notebooks. If you’re shopping for the young ones, please buy the smaller packs of markers (12, 24) or crayons (24, 48) for individual use.

Thanks for your ongoing support of SisterHood in Burlington City. Year after year you show up.

I know the good work that Rev Hilda Covington and her volunteers offer the neighborhood. And I know first hand the appreciation of these kids, teens, and parents.  All donations are given anonymously in order to support Sisterhood’s mission and respect the families they serve. 

So, I’ll say thanks to all of you from all of them. Now, let’s get these kids ready to learn.

 

Peace be with you and with all.  No exceptions. 

HeartWarming

 News

Dolphins, those #2 on the intelligent creature list, sure know the value of play! With all the stress of deadlines, to do lists, and multitasking of life, humans sometimes forget the value of playing a game with their friends. Scientists off the coast of Kauai and Maui have filmed dolphins and whales playing together. A dolphin swims onto the nose of a whale who then raises themselves slowly out of the water so the dolphin may “slide” down its back. Consciously breathing, playing with friends, and frolicking in the waters of life. Seems like we humans just got schooled.

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Breathe Like a Dolphin

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

It’s not that they are inherently suspicious creatures. Actually, they are quite lovely in their social engagement, curiosity, and self awareness. Considered the second smartest animal in the world (humans being the first), they have the capacity to communicate through language, plan for the future, and solve complex problems.

Unlike humans, for whom breathing is an autonomic (automatic) function, dolphins must consciously decide to breathe.

If dolphins entered fully into unconscious sleep, they would fail to breathe and thus drown. Given this vital need for conscious control of their breathing, dolphins only let one half of their brain sleep at a time.

They enter unihemispheric sleep when closing the left eye as the right half of the brain sleeps.

This allows the left hemisphere to take charge of breathing and be alert for dangers in their environment. While alternating sleep between hemispheres, dolphins swim very slowly or rest motionless on the water’s surface. This way they get the rest they need without ever losing consciousness.

Dolphins are not only bringers of joy and delight, they are expert practitioners of mindful breathing.

If you want to improve your state of mind, health, and potential for wellbeing, start breathing like a dolphin.

Yogic technology, mind-body medicine, and spiritual traditions recognize the value of conscious breathing.

Aside from countless research studies, your own personal experience will reveal the benefits. Engaging a mindful, relaxing breath pattern restores balance at all levels of your being. As you breathe, you’re detoxing the stress chemicals, negative thought patterns, and escalated emotions. Calming the mind, increasing mental focus, organizing your brain-body communication, and clearing energetic channels. Priming you to move into a quiet meditation or move through your day aware and in balance.

You can act like a dolphin any time you consciously observe and control your breath, strengthening your awareness of the mind-body connection.

Whether you engage mindful breathing to decrease stress, enhance your mental focus, or lower your blood pressure, your body will thank you. These simple practices, so easy to master, have tremendous health benefits. Such as rejuvenating the nervous system, improving digestion, easing pain, supporting respiratory functions, and increase immunity.

Perhaps your newfound sense of ease, increase in energy, and surge of pleasure inducing chemicals will be enough to motivate a daily practice.

Emphasis on daily and practice. When you’re in the middle of a crisis and your hair is on fire, that’s not the best time to begin your training in dolphin breathing. A daily practice builds your “breathing muscle” so that you can get to it quickly and with ease when needed.

With enough practice, this beneficial habit of taking a deep breath may even wake you out of your anxious sleepwalking through the day.

The next time you need to interrupt the fight or flight stress response, get conscious and choose a breathing practice. Immediately. Breath techniques are also very beneficial partners for the tend and befriend stress response and the challenge response.

Did you know that there are more stress responses than just fight or flight?

And that if you perceive stress as positive rather than detrimental, it doesn’t have the same debilitating effect on health, mindset, and longevity? Head to my Free Resource page to grab The Self Soothe Strategy. More on all of that in my PlayBook and a nice relaxing HeartBreathing practice to download (and master!).

Here are a few breathing practices designed to invite a state of deep relaxation, mind-body harmony, and enhanced mental focus.

Box breathing or the 4-4-4-4 breath is easy to practice.

Count to 4 with a slow inhale, hold for a count of 4, exhale slowly for 4, and hold for 4. Repeat. Be gentle with the holding of the breath. It isn’t a rigid holding, just a chance for your body to replenish oxygen, giving your organs and tissues a much needed oxygen boost.

The 4-7-8 breathing practice is based upon an ancient yogic practice.

It’s helpful to place the tip of the tongue on the roof of the mouth behind the front teeth throughout this practice. Begin with an exhale through the open mouth, letting the air go out in a “whoosh” sound. Breathe in through the nose for a count of 4. Hold for a count of 7 (relax). Exhale slowly through the mouth, choosing for a count of 8. You may work up to this pattern, so begin with whatever count you need and extend it with practice.

Alternate nostril breathing is another yogic technique that induces relaxation, clarity, and harmony throughout the body.

There are a few varieties with this technique and you may want to explore this with a quick Google search. At first, this may feel a little awkward, but it is definitely worth the practice.

Finally, my go to favorite involves taking 9 Self Regulating HeartBreaths.

Crossing your palms and resting them on your heart, you take 3 breaths. This is a “HeartBreath.” Just noticing how your body breaths you. Switch palms and repeat. Again, switch palms and repeat. 9 HeartBreaths brings your heart rhythm into coherence and the enter body sings with the harmony that change brings.

The similarity between you and a dolphin is that you both have a choice.

You can continue to breathe even when you’re unconsciously stressing through your day. You won’t die. But, you won’t live the fullness of what life has to offer when you allow your body to hold tension, diminish health, and reduce mental capacity. When you don’t breathe mindfully and in a relaxed state, you may move further down that intelligent animal list.

Don’t let the other intelligent species (crows, pigs, and chimps) sneak up on you. Breathe like a dolphin, enhance your intelligent body-mind system, and maybe, just maybe, leap a bit with joy.

Peace be with you and with all.  No exceptions. 

HeartWarming

 News

Dolphins, those #2 on the intelligent creature list, sure know the value of play! With all the stress of deadlines, to do lists, and multitasking of life, humans sometimes forget the value of playing a game with their friends. Scientists off the coast of Kauai and Maui have filmed dolphins and whales playing together. A dolphin swims onto the nose of a whale who then raises themselves slowly out of the water so the dolphin may “slide” down its back. Consciously breathing, playing with friends, and frolicking in the waters of life. Seems like we humans just got schooled.