Balancing Loss and Gain
I’ve been contemplating loss.
It seems to be a shared experience within this worldly crisis. You know that loss is a natural part of the ebb and flow of life, yet it seems to be starring in a show of its own these days. Perhaps because your attention upon what you have lost (or may lose) is heightened as so many areas of life are altered.
I’ve been made aware of so many deaths this past week: worldwide and personal from the virus and from illness.
Too young, mid life, and quite old. The sudden death of a beloved pet. The inability to be with loved ones in the hospital or mourn together at a funeral. I’ve learned of loss of income, of businesses and careers, and access to health care. The loss of freedom of movement, in person connection, and physical touch. The absence of creature comforts like entertainment, hair salons, and public parks. The challenge of obtaining basics like food, especially for vulnerable populations. The loss of innocence or a sense of stability.
It feels heavy – this processing of so much loss. Sitting with so much grief, distress, fear, and uncertainty.
And yet it feels perfectly natural given my experience as a psychologist and as a human. The gratitude to “be with” another as they share their losses warms my heart, even while sorrow arises. This is what it means to be human. To come together to share in the sadness that life inevitably brings. To open the space for grief and celebration. To allow an uncertain future and doubt in one’s capacity to navigate new terrain. This is a privilege – a grace that I am to share in this moment of someone’s life.
If dealing with loss is so familiar, what’s the difference now?
Sheer quantity and variety. Worldwide shared tragedy. Entering a time of true uncertainty. Most of you haven’t been lived through wartime, famine, or plague. I haven’t. So it’s hard to grasp the magnitude of this worldwide crisis. And if you try, by exploring every news story, you ultimately escalate your stress and thus diminish your capacity to process the layers of loss that you will inevitably face.
It may help to view this unprecedented crisis as a rite of passage.
Rites of passage are part of life in the normal developmental process of growing up. They also occur when life shocks you by its unexpected twists and turns. They involve moving from one state of being to the next. They happen when the ground beneath you seems to dissolve or radically shift. When you are left asking “What happened to my life?” And this question propels you forward, often without your knowing it.
The first stage of this transformative experience is a focus is upon what you have lost.
How you have been separated from the life that which was your normal experience. In our now time, as the world trembles together, you may discover something new each day, each week, where you are facing yet again the absence of something you may have taken for granted. The losses are obvious and subtle. Sometimes not considered until you reach for something that is no longer available.
This is a good time to stop and breathe. To be still with the noticing of this loss.
To not rush forward. To just “be with” yourself for a moment. Allowing any response to arise. And if that feels too difficult and there is someone to reach for, then lean into that other who can share this space with you. Sometimes this other is not a person – it may be a pet, the comfort of a cup of tea in your favorite room, or a Divine being who brings you solace.
The next stage within a rite of passage is the liminal time, where you dwell within a place of uncertainty.
Alone and together, you face what’s lost and the “not knowing how” to traverse a future that is no longer predictable. To be with what arises as purely as you can. To tell the truth about how you are shaking and how the world doesn’t make sense like it used to. In a time like this, you travel back and forth between these stages as new areas of loss reveal themselves. As questions arise that can’t be answered.
Most humans need others to travel these paths of loss, grief, uncertainty, and fear.
Rites of passage naturally involve others. Those that may guide you. Those with whom you are traveling. Those who hold space and witness your movement. Looking for these partners at this time is essential. Reaching out to those who help guide, encourage, and steady you as you point to the next place of being. Falling into a sense of belonging, even peripherally, to a community that resonates with you.
Be open with this definition of community.
It does not have to be a tight knit group. You can feel a part of a community when you, and thousands of others, join over the internet with a teacher or leader. It can be provided by a book and the teachings within it – tuning into wisdom within the written page and within yourself. It may be a ZOOM class, church service, or a chat with family and friends.
When you recognize that you share this experience with all of humanity, you may have found the largest community of all.
In all things, life seeks balance.
When you recognize loss in this time, you may also recognize gain. These are two sides of the coin in human experience. The buddhist tradition speaks of 8 worldly winds or 8 worldly concerns, represented by two contrasting experiences: pleasure and pain, gain and loss, praise and blame, fame and insignificance.
The middle way of dealing with stressful events is to recognize both sides of the coin.
Just as you contemplate loss, you may notice how much is gained in these days. What has been offered to you by way of others: help, kindness, shared material goods, or service. Noticing time with children home from school or returned from college. Connections with friends, family, and coworkers across various platforms. A gain of free time, creativity, new ways of working, or projects to help one another. New skills developed and knowledge gained. Even the capacity to make peace with boredom, isolation, and life turning upside down.
Discovering places within – some unsteady, some resilient – which want to be known.
Allowing you to develop further into a better human being. Laying down some old patterns of behavior and thinking, while learning new ways of relating to yourself and this world.
Using this time to look deeply within and ask “What is ready to go and what is ready to grow?”
Being open to what is found as you tread gently through the fields of uncertainty and bring kindness into every exchange with yourself. After all, it is likely that you are doing the best you can given the circumstances. Just like everyone else. Don’t get caught in the trap of judging yourself (or others) harshly. You’ve got enough going on without that additional stress.
I’ve been contemplating what I have gained.
Not as an intentional exercise. More like a natural reflection that occurred during these past many weeks. It is interesting how life brings you naturally into rhythm with balance. As if quietly offering you a hint about how to live well, even in the midst of calamitous times.
I’ve gained so much. Witnessed so much of humanity’s goodness. Been helped and given the opportunity to help. I’ve connected in new ways to people familiar and new across the world. And have resurrected the old styles of communication as well. Snail mail and telephone calls. Backyard visits and dinner over a game of monopoly.
I’m deeply grateful for all of it. And for the sheer force of today’s stress to drop me back into my breath. Into the stillness of my being.
Here, I remember my essential nature. Aware. Loving. Wise. Available.
Steadying me from this inner foundational space so that I am present to what comes in this moment. Trusting that life will show me the way through. That every resource, internal and external, will serve me. Especially when I am centered, still, and open to whatever life brings.
I still prefer gain over loss. Yet, I am willing to be taught how to live in greater balance.
I am willing to be a student to the great teacher – life in its entirety. To breathe and bring myself into balance again and again. I see this in people everywhere and am encouraged. When I am in a community of humans who are using the current circumstances to grow into better versions of themselves, then I am in a community who will support my own desire to do the same. Another gain.
Peace be with you and with all. No exceptions.
HeartWarming
News
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